Musings of an SGC lift
by Major Strife
Summary: Series of Shorts Slices of life as seen through the electronic eye of one of the SGC's nonbiological members. Status currently on hold .
1. Turbo me blues!

The Lift Dribble and Drabbles

**Warning(s):** Minor language. (Unfinished - on going series)  
**Pairing(s):** None.  
**Disclaimer:** "Stargate: SG-1" and related characters and situations are the property of MGM Television Entertainment and Gekko Film Corp. No money changed hands and no copyright infringement is intended or implied.

UK to US translation - Lift Elevator.

* * *

Man I'd love to be a Turbolift.  
Those Trekkies get all the best mod-cons, not just your bog-standard, mind-numbingly boring up and down.  
Oh no, they get sideways too.  
Sideways.  
Upways.  
Downways.  
Left to bloody right.  
Lucky buggers, they don't know just how fortunatethey are.  
Turbo lifts – bunch of tossers the lot of them.

* * *


	2. What was the question again?

**Lift series – part two – disclaimers in part one.**

**Level 27 call to Level 18 …..**  
_Close Doors, Engage Motor._  
**Oh I like Level 18; Level 18 is where you're most likely to find …..  
**_Approaching Level 18, Engage Brakes, Lock Safeties, Open Doors. PING  
_**YES ….. Dr Jackson ….. **

"Please?"  
"No".

**OHHH Jackpot (Pun fully intended) ….. Looks like we have ourselves one General O'Neil as well …..  
**_Close Doors, Wait for Destination._

"Daniel!"  
"No".  
"Aw come on".  
"No".  
"Danny".  
"No".  
"Danny Boy".  
"No".  
"Space Monkey!"  
"NO".

**If I could smile I would, this argument has been going on for days, or maybe it's a new one? With these two you can never tell, I've lost track of the number of times they've done this …..  
**_Wait for Destination!_

"Dr Jackson!"  
"No Jack, no".  
"Please?"  
"What is it about the word NO you can't understand?"  
"I understand it pretty well, just not when it comes from you, now how about it?"  
"ARGHHHHHH!"

_Wait for Destination!  
_**Oh this is good, Jack's grinning, Daniel's practically dancing on the spot and neither one has remembered to make a floor request. We could be here for sometime at this rate …..!**

"Danie.."  
"Shut up Jack"  
"Dani.."  
"Can it!"  
"Dan..?"  
"Zip it!"  
"Dan..!"  
"Shush!"

**Level 18 call to Level 26 ….. Looks like someone's decided to get this show on the road …..  
**_Close Doors, Engage Motor._

"!"  
"No".  
"?"  
"NO".  
"."  
"**NO**".

**Ah looks like we've reached the no-verbal part now ….. At times it's almost like their telepathic, I wonder…..**

Raised left eye brow.  
Frown.  
Raised right eye brow.  
Squint over glasses.  
Frown.  
Crosses arms. Scowl.  
Tilts head to right.Wink.  
Raise left eye brow.  
Opens arms for hug. Blows kiss.  
Laughs. "The answers still_NO_ Jack, give it up."  
"Uhuh, never, come on Dannyboy you know you want to, I can see it in your face, you're dying to".  
"Dying to? Been there, done that, sold the t-shirt Jack."

_Approaching Level 26, Engage Brakes, Lock Safeties, Open Doors. PING  
_**No not yet ….. Just when things were getting interesting …..  
**_**Jack and Daniel step out, waiting random SF gets in, presses destination Level 16 …..  
**Close Doors, Engage Motor._

"Hey Jack?"  
"Yes Daniel".  
"Where are we?"


	3. Green? It's technicolour!

The Lift Drabbles

Author's notes: I just like to say thanks for the feedback. I'm trying to get at least one new section added per week. Part three is this week's submission to the God of burnt offerings and rabid plot bunnies; however that said I should have part four finished before Friday. Part three is in a way a leader into part four.

Usual comments re disclaimer – see part one…….

* * *

Things have been rather quiet lately.  
Just as well, I'm not feeling too good.  
My service is over due.  
There's an ache in the capacitors right down my control panel.  
_  
HIC_

Dammit, I've get the hiccups now too.  
You ever see a lift with the hiccups?  
Not a pretty sight I'll tell you.  
_  
HIC_

Then again neither is anyone unfortunate enough to try riding in one!  
All that bouncing about, the bumps and judders kinda shakes em up a bit.

_HIC_

More thanone goes a lovely shade of green.  
_  
HIC_

_HIC_

Spread the misery that's what I say.


	4. He's what? He's where?

**Lift drabble series – part four – disclaimer, Yadda Yadda, see part one.**

* * *

_Level 14 on route to Level 27 … …  
__**/CLUNK/  
Huh? What the? ... …  
**Level 15, Level 16, Level 17, Level 18 ……  
_**_/BANG/  
_Owwwww! That hurt! … …**_  
Stopping at Level 19, Engage Brakes, Lock Safeties, Open Doors.  
:PING:_

"I'm just saying Sam … …"

_Doors open_  
**Oh H.E.L.L.O. there General, you're a sight for sore diodes … … **

"Carter, Daniel."  
"Sir, going our way?"  
"Yup."  
"Oh, hi Jack and No!"  
"What? I didn't say anything."  
"Doesn't mean you weren't thinking it, and the answer's still No!"

_Doors close, resuming journey. Level 20, Level 21… …  
**/CREAK/  
**_**:Whimper: I Feel Sick! … … **

_Stopping at Level 22, Engage Brakes, Lock Safeties, Open Doors.  
:PING: _

**/THUD/ **

"Erm is it just me or didn't that sound very healthy?"

**Healthy? Does Mr 'I've been assigned my own hospital bed,' even know the meaning of the word? … …**

"Indeed, DanielJackson. I believe this conveyance is overdue for a service."  
"Hey don't look at me, I ordered Stiler to take a look at it a week ago, it's not my fault the man's spends more time in the infirmary than Daniel. Doc says he's going to be laid up for at least another week, until they can get him in to plaster."****

OHHH … … Well that's just great; I guess our resident J.O.A.T. musta gone and blown himself up again. Looks like I'm gonna have to wait for even a simple hydraulic fluid check.

"So team night, Friday, my place, pizza, film?"  
"I thought it was Daniel's turn."  
"Colonel Carter is correct."  
"Colonel Carter," Sam smiles, "I still can't get used to hearing that."

**NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, A WEEK! I refuse to wait that long. Don't they understand I'm in pain here, I swear some of my circuit boards are loose and there's this terrible ache where my wire is fraying. **

**This calls for drastic measures! … … **

**Wait for it! … …  
**_Level 25._  
**Wait for it! … …  
**_Level 26._  
**NOW! … …  
**

_**/SQUEALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL/  
/THUD/**_

**_/CRASH.BANG.WHALLOP/_**

**Oh looky here, seems like I've finally gotten someone's attention! … … **

"Daniel"  
"Jack?"  
"Could you get off me please?"  
"I would but Sam seems to be lying on my legs."  
"Don't blame me, I'm getting an up and personal view of Teal'c's back."  
"Teal'c do me a favour and get off Carter before Daniel permanently damages bits of me I prefer to keep in working order."  
"My apologies, may I assist you Samantha, DanielJackson?"

"Hey what about me?"

"Face it Jack, we all know you're beyond help."

TBC in partfive … …


	5. The Decaffinated Judders!

**Lift series – part five – Disclaimer, Yadda Yadda, see part one.**

* * *

Author's notes: Again thanks for the feedback – you keep this fun.  
I know I said I was going to try and post one part a week, but as you can tell I've been a busy little fruitcake, parts five and six done and dusted. I'm just not mean enough to keep them back until next week.

So we have Jack, Daniel, Sam and Teal'c, and a lift throwing a wobbly!  
Sometimes I seriously worry about the things that are going on inside my mind!  
Sometimes the voices in my head talk to me, listening to them is compulsory, answering back is not!

* * *

I could have been a coffee machine if I'd wanted to.  
I don't have to have become a lift you know.  
But no, Mamma said plan big.  
Why settle for being a mere purveyor of caffeinated beverages?

I think I'd have made an excellent peculator.  
Maybe a nice little espresso machine.  
All sleek chrome and chic design.

Nothing like that snotty piece of stainless steel lurking in the depths Carter's lab.  
Thinks himself 'all that' just because he can make 'real' cappuccino.

Bloody idiot can't even tell the difference between Decaf and Columbian roast.  
No wonder the poor woman ends up bouncing off the walls.  
Especially when she tried to out coffee the King of the SGC coffee mountain, Dr Jackson himself.

Then again all those coffee makers seem so damn full of themselves.  
Why would I want to become a one horse wonder like that?  
HA!  
Do I look bloody stupid?  
No thought not.  
Jumped up kettles the lot of them.

TBC in part six … …


	6. Did someone mention a plot?

**Lift series – part six – Disclaimer, Yadda Yadda, see part one.**

* * *

Author's notes:  
Part six was originally going to be the end of the trapped sequence which started in part three, however … …  
Enough said about me, planning, and bad ideas the better! … …  
So I've had to split this into two parts because it's running the risk of no longer being a series of shorts… …  
Oh dear, I just had an image of a bunch of shorts on a washing line - Seriously sanity, highly over-rated in my opinion! … …  
Ahem! Time to get back on topic; well as much as on topic as I'm ever likely to get, that is! … …  
Just to say my muse, (and his size 11 Ruby army boots ), has decided this is being extended into part seven.

* * *

_/snip/  
"Hey what about me?"  
"Face it Jack, we all know you're beyond help."  
/snip/_

* * *

_cont … …_

"Uh huh … Ok … Fine … At least another three hours you say … Can't locate the fault … Sit tight …"

:CLICK: _Sound of_ _Emergency phone being replaced. _

**Three hours, yeah right I'm staying here until I'm damn well good and ready … …  
Oh no my pretties, you may poke and prod all you like, this lift ain't going anywhere … …**

"Sam, what did they say, are we likely to get out of here anytime soon?"  
"Sorry Daniel, same as before."

"Sigh!"

**MUWHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! … …**

**Oh! What is it about maniacal laughter that just makes you feel 'SO' much better? … …  
Now all I need is a slicked back hair do and a black moustache to twirl and I'm set! … … **

"Hey Jack?"  
"Jack?"  
"JACK!"  
"I cannot believe he's still sulking over that help crack."  
"I am also finding it difficult Samantha."  
"I'm not."

**I am; Shessshhhh! … …  
And I thought throwing a wobbly and refusing to budge was childish ... …  
Snigger, childish but so much fun! … … **

"I'm not sulking."  
"Are."  
"Are not,"  
"Are too."  
"Are not."  
"Too."  
"Not."  
"T… I can't believe we're having this conversation!"  
"Funny, Teal'c and I can!"  
"Sammmmmm!"  
"Carter!"

"Well if you're not sulking what are you doing?"  
"Thinking!"  
"I'm sorry you're doing what?"  
"Hey, do you mind?"  
"No, next question?"

**I think I've lost the plot! … … **

"As I was saying I was thinking."  
"Ok I fold, thinking about what?"  
"Oh, just that if you'd not been such a stuffed shirt and said yes earlier we could have been outta here hours ago and I wouldn't have had to spend the last four hours stuck in an elevator on my own Base!"  
"You, you're blaming this on me?"  
"Daniel"  
"No. You, you, you, you, you … Argggghhhhhhhhh!"

**I think they've lost the plot! … …**

"Daniel, please stop with thejumping up and down, do you really want to unstick us and cause a rapid relocation to the basement just because you need to throw a hissy fit?"  
"If that's what it will take to get away from you, you smug g …"  
"DANIEL!"

**You know, I'm not really sure there was ever a plot to begin with! … …**

"Harrumph!"  
"Now who's sulking?"

**Sigh. He's kinda funny when you get him frustrated! … …  
I wonder? … …  
Oh no, I couldn't ... ...  
Besides who would clean up the mess? … …  
**  
"I saw that!"  
"What?"  
"That."  
"What?"  
"?"  
"?"  
"?"  
"?" Raises single eyebrow. "I do not know either Samantha."

**? … … **

My brain hurts! … …  
**_:FIZZ, PING:  
_Ooppsy! … … **

"Ok, so who turned out the lights?"  
"Don't worry the emergency backup will come on in a second."  
"Ah Sir, that was the backup."  
"Oh great Carter, another fine day on planet Murphy!"  
"Planet Murphy? Is the name of this planet not Earth O'Neill?"

TBC in part seven.


	7. Domination of the ATM bandits!

**Lift series – part seven – Disclaimer, Yadda Yadda, see part one.**

* * *

Author's notes: Always many, many thanks for the feedback – I love the comments.  
I'm writing these sections 'bass ackwards' having half finished part eight last week, I've been stuck on part seven for days. There's just been nothing I've felt rant worthy; that and having tried to explain to my sister why I find MPreg stories so funny she then tried to talk me into getting my lift here pregnant & then having a swarm of baby lifts let loose in the air ducts.  
I'll admit to being barmy but that one is just beyond even me!  
Besides which I'm not even sure what sex the lift is. My Muse in his size 11 Ruby Army boots hasn't decided to divulge that information to this poor confused author. 

Part eight should be up tomorrow, (ignoring previous author's notes in relation to me, planning & bad ideas!)

* * *

Thanks to the joys, (and I use that word lightly,) of electronic mail;  
I have received a communication from my brother.  
I'd read it out to you now but for some reason it's dark in here!  
And, so, therefore,I can't andI won't.

Seems that my youngest niece has gotten a job working in a Casino!  
Making a 'Big' name for herself in Vegas.  
His baby girl has jacked in her 'sensible' position with the bank.

Seems like being a simple ATM is not good enough now for Daughter Dearest.  
Or so he says!  
I didn't like to tell the fat-headed fool she's nothing more than a tarted-up one-arm-bandit!

He says just handing out money is below her, not putting her talents to good use!  
Ha! I think she's just worked out what all women know.  
Get the punters to work for it and they'll respect you more than if you're giving it away for free!

The girl definitely got her daddy's share of the family brain cell!  
Hit em where it hurts I say, sure fire way to get a man's attention.  
Grab em by the wallet, and I'll guarantee you'll keep it!  
Go for it my girl.  
For today you shall have Vegas, but tomorrow'll give you the World.

I couldn't do it myself, no sir, no way.  
All those flashing lights and blaring sirens.  
I'd have a headache in no time flat.  
Nothing like my home in the SCG.  
Ok, maybe a little!  
Nothing like a quiet, (for quiet readboring,) day in the SGC.  
I'll settle for controlling my own little corner of the military.

Stuff World domination, I'll leave that to the younger generation.  
Too much hard work if you ask me!

TBC in part eight … …


	8. Did you read the instructions?

**Lift series – part eight – Disclaimer, Yadda Yadda, see part one.  
(Warnings: Beta free zone!)**

* * *

Author's notes: All hail to the Reviewers and my Muse, (with his size 11 Ruby army boots.)

Part eight – finally! I've had this in my head for several months, you have no idea what's that's been like!

I'm embarrassed to say my sister (she of the pregnant lift concept) asked me if I was the lift, it was only then I realised these Author's notes are beginning to sound very similar to the mental voice I hear when writing for it – a rather upper-class English/Malcolm Reed, one at that. I wasn't even going to try and explain to her that my alter-ego is a gay man; my family already think I'm the weird one, coming from a bunch of eccentrics that's a bit of a back handed compliment, but there you go!

Normal Boring! Viva Insanity!

* * *

\snip\  
_**:FIZZ, PING: **_

**Ooppsy! … …**

"Ok, so who turned out the lights?"  
"Don't worry the emergency backup will come on in a second."  
"Ah Sir, that was the backup."  
"Oh great Carter, another fine day on planet Murphy!"  
"Planet Murphy? Is the name of this planet not Earth O'Neill?"  
\snip\ **

* * *

**

"I think Jack was referring to the concept of Murphy's Law Teal'c."  
"I'm not familiar with this Law to which you refer DanielJackson, please elucidate."

**Oh no, now you've gone and done it, even in the dark you can see him slip in to lecture mode! … …  
**

"Murphy's Law ("If anything can go wrong, it will") was born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 at North Base. It was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Project MX981, (a project) designed to see how much sudden deceleration a person can stand in a crash.  
One day, after finding that a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it."  
The contractor's project manager kept a list of "laws" and added this one, which he called Murphy's Law.  
Actually, what he did was take an old law that had been around for years in a more basic form and give it a name.  
Shortly afterwards, the Air Force doctor (Dr. John Paul Stapp) who rode a sled on the deceleration track to a stop, pulling 40 Gs, gave a press conference. He said that their good safety record on the project was due to a firm belief in Murphy's Law and in the necessity to try and circumvent it."

"Dannyboy just give us the long version why don't you?"

**Just what I was thinking! … …  
**  
"Ah DanielJackson, is this also the 'Sod's Law' to which Sergent Stiler gave as the reason why he always manages to find the live wire in a dead circuit board?"  
"Oh boy if ever. Murphy's Law in it's simplest form is 'if anything can go wrong it will'!"  
"Not forgetting the corollary, 'if everything seems to be going well, you've obviously overlooked something'!"  
"And if anything _just possibly can not _go wrong, it will anyway!"  
"At the most inopportune time!"  
"And to the crankiest person available!"  
"Hey, I could feel you looking at me when you said that Daniel!"  
"Jack, it's pitch black in here, how could you? Oh never mind, Murphy's!"  
"Exactly."  
**  
Uh Jack, anything that can go wrong, already has, you just haven't been receiving all your memos! … …**

"I think I understand; I would correct to say that a dropped piece of bread will always land buttered side down?"

**Yes, by George I think he's got it, give the big man an all day sucker! … … **

"But you cannot sucessfully determine before hand which side of the bread to butter!"  
"Only a scientist would even bother to try."  
You just know he was looking at us when he said thatDaniel."  
"I'm going to ignore that … for now!"  
"The chances of dropping the bread is directionally proportional to the cost of the carpet."

**Oh I think Sam just won that round! … … **

"Likewise anything you drop in the bathroom _will_ end up in the toilet!"

**Correction, round to Jack O'Neill, withtwo L's, and extra points for successfully finding the gutter! … … **

"Ok, complete this one Carter. Anything good is either illegal, immoral or fattening. And, So, Therefore?"  
"If it looks good,"  
"And tastes good,"  
"And feels good,"  
"There's got to be something wrong somewhere!"

**He should have known better than to challenge a woman with that one; I mean, has he never heard of Death by CHOCOLATE! … … **

"Ok Daniel, your turn."  
"Military intelligence, is a contradiction in terms! Teal'c."  
"Friendly Fire, isn't! Samantha."  
"Recoilless rifles, aren't! Sir."  
"Suppressive fire, won't! Carter."

**My turn. Minor problem, isn't! … … **

"Bullet-proof-vests, aren't! Sir."  
"If you can't remember, the claymore is pointing towards you. Anyone."  
"A clean and dry set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain!"  
"Hey why do I get the feeling that was aimed in my direction?"  
"I do not know DanielJackson."

**Yeah, it's not like he wasn't voted the SGC member most likely to loose part if not all of his uniform off-world three years running! … …  
You've got to keep them on to be able to get them dirty! … …**

"The most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity."  
_"Daniel!"_  
"_Jack!"  
_"Stupidity is the fundamental driving force in the universe, which explains why stupid people are always wrong."  
"I didn't realise you could even pronounce 'fundamental' Jack!"  
"You want to fight dirty Plantboy, well in that case. The difference between Stupidity and Genius is that Genius has its' limits."  
"I think I've just been insulted Sam."  
"You had to think about it, you're slipping there Dannyboy!"  
"Fine Jack, fine. It's impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious!"

**He shoots, he scores! … …  
And so here we are with another rousing edition of the Jack and Danny show! … … **

"Whatever you are about to do, if there's a good chance it will get you killed, _Daniel_, you probably shouldn't do it."  
"Oh , can we say S_ubtle_?"  
"Oh, can you say _Paranoid _Daniel?"  
"Just because you _Can_ do something, doesn't mean you _Should _Jack!"  
"Mutter."  
"What was that Jack?"  
"Nothing."  
"Right, when in doubt mumble, when in trouble delegate."  
"Oh, can you say _insubordination_?"  
"No, but I can say, I'm a civilian Jack."  
"Quiet from the peanut gallery."  
"Be quiet in the one and nines'."

**_:THUD:  
:HUMMMM:_  
_:PLINK:_**

"Argh, that's bright!"  
"HEY, A Little Warning Would Have Been Nice!"  
_Voice from above "Sorry about that sir."  
_"Great you've got the lights back on, how about getting us the HELL outta here? Some of us would like to get home tonight."

**It's never wise to let a piece of equipment, or a technician, know that you're in a hurry! … … **

_**:CLANG:  
**Voice from above "Oops!"  
_"Oops, the second worst thing you can hear the tech say!"  
"What would be the worst thing Samantha?"  
"Ah, erm, well that would be …"  
_**:CRASH:  
**Voice from above "Oh St!" _

"Never mind!"

TBC ?


	9. You can't make me!

**Lift series – part nine – Disclaimer, Yadda Yadda, see part one.  
(Warning: As always Beta free zone!)**

* * *

Author's notes: Muchas Gracias Feedback WOOT:)  
Still stuck in 'bass ackwards' mode.  
Still stuck looking for rant worthy material.  
Still being kept in the dark about, well everything, by my Muse and his size 11 Ruby Army boots.  
No longer ignoring previous author's notes in relation to me, planning & bad ideas!  
Doing happy dance as my new laptop arrives tomorrow, so I should be able to write in bed straight to Word rather than getting swamped by pages and pages of paper notes. Won't help me post faster thou – this section was written in the pub at lunch time and there is no way I'm lugging a laptop to work and back when a pen is so much lighter!_

* * *

_

_SIGH! … …_

How embarrassing.  
Caught mooning over the object of my affections!  
By a bleedin M.A.L.P. no less!  
Flipping things are worse gossips than the entire catering department put together.

Is it not enough that I can't even get a date with the maintenance department?  
Even worse to be crushing on someone.  
At my age no less.  
I should know better.

How embarrassing.Caught mooning over the object of my affections!By a bleedin M.A.L.P. no less!Flipping things are worse gossips than the entire catering department put together.Is it not enough that I can't even get a date with the maintenance department?Even worse to be crushing on someone.At my age no less.I should know better. 

_SIGH! _

Oh my, the no.3 F.R.E.D.  
It's just ... ...  
He's just so ... ...

_SIGH! _

Why did it have to be a F.R.E.D.?  
Why not a U.A.V.?  
YEAH RIGHT!  
HAHA!  
I've finally cracked!

Like we don't know what U.A.V. really stands for.

Uncontrollable.  
Arrogant.  
Vain.

So they can fly.  
So bloody what?  
It's like they want a flippin medal for it or something!

Why they don't just rename the whole lot and be done with it, I don't know.  
I have a suggestion if they get stuck.  
E.G.O.  
Perfect don't you think?

Date a U.A.V.?

I.  
Don't.  
Wanna!

.  
TBC in part ten?  
Maybe.  
Maybe not!


End file.
